I really should try writing one of these when I am NOT having one of those days... that would be a major improvement, no doubt.

I really do HATE being paranoid... believe it or not.

Feeling this way on a constant basis sucks ass.

Wondering how soon the other shoe is going to drop, wondering if you are just a means to an end... sucks like hell.

And why do I feel this way? Because he has given me a reason? No, not particularly. Although I do wish now that he would change his password to his account because now I am afraid I will come in tomorrow to see what he wrote back.

I want to run away, I want to scream, I want to not do this anymore. I want to not wonder. I want to know that something in my life is real. But I don't know how to do that.

I don't know how to take things at face value and trust. I just don't.

I've been fucked over too many damn times by the people in my life to trust anyone with anything. I am sick of feeling this way, almost literally sick.

So what do I do? Quit taking chances?

I feel like I just want to scream bloody fucking murder, beat my head against the wall and go back to what life was like before this asshole walked into my life.

And again, he is taking the brunt of what I am dealing with, not because of anything he has done necessarily, but because of what others in my past have done.

Ultimate Catch 22...

That SUCKS.


DAMN IT....

Alright, next one of these will try to be more upbeat, but by that time, the other shoe will have probably dropped and I will be back to being happy alone.

Go figure.

Cheers all